Big Fat Hairy Living

The question of whether or not all grocerygateway.com delivery men are hot has been answered. Unfortunately the answer is NO.

Suppose you were in an alternate universe where men were soft and had breasts, wide hips, and were hairless and beardless, yet they still had penises. And suppose in this universe, women were muscular and hairy with big bellies and beards, yet they still had vaginas. Would you be attracted to men or women?

Is it the secondary characteristics or the genitals that attract you? Which is more important? Can they be separated?

I talked with Sean last night. He always knows how to cheer me up. Temporarily, anyway. He tried to tell me that one setback doesn’t mean failure. There’s logic in that, but logic usually doesn’t mix with emotion.

Well, regardless of whether one setback is failure or not, I need a break. I’ve been spending too much time with supposed “friends” and not enough time with myself. Wary of the expense and schmoozing involved in a party, I cancelled my housewarming. Of the 20 people I invited (only six of whom bothered to RSVP) even fewer expressed any concern when I cancelled. I guess caring and concern isn’t usually reciprocated.

I guess I’m not as well-adjusted as I thought. I’ll carry through the social engagments I’ve already comitted to, and then take a break from people for a while.

Christmas fucking sucks. Chistmas is not a cheerful time, it’s hell. Commercialistic vacuous hell, worshipping a non-existent Jesus.

And I can’t even go be with my pigeons in Nathan Phillips Square, it’s so cold.

Shawn came over for dinner Friday night. We had dinner, cuddled, and then picked up Brodie at the bus terminal. I’m really unsure of my feelings for Brodie. I think I’m growing really attached to him, and I’m not sure in what way. On the one hand, I know I’m not ready for a long term relationship, but on the other hand, I could almost picture the two of us being together. In my last relationship, I was the daddy in the sense that I was the provider, the protector. I don’t want to be that any more; I need to be the cub, the protected. On the other hand, I do love mentoring Brodie, introducing him to Toronto, answering his questions, and talking to him about being gay and a bear. Despite the fact that he’s younger and less experienced than me, I really could picture us as a couple. We talked about this and came to the same conclusions.

At the same time, having all these friends and a loving mother and sister, I lonely. I’m very wary of this feeling; I hate doing things or not doing them because I feel alone. I have wonderful friends who I enjoy being with, and I’m not alone in that sense. I have great friends and a family who loves me. Why do I feel alone?

I just got back from eatons, shopping with my mom. She’s such a special woman. If I hadn’t had her as a mother, I don’t know what I would have done. This woman came to Canada, taught herself english, and made a life for herself in a totally new country, just with her own wits. She knows how to survive in a way I wish I did. She stands up for what she believes in, and gave up so much so that I can be what I am today. She’s supportive, but she pushes me to be more than what I am. She’s always been there for me. She knows what I need emotionally and spiritually before I do. I would be nothing without her. I love her.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

I won a $150 shopping spree at GroceryGateway.com. I can’t beleive it!

A friend on ICQ told me that his shit was green and I actually laughed out loud. A real “LOL,” not one of those ones people type when they want to indicate that something is clever, but they don’t really laugh out loud. I think it was the first time I actually really LOLed online.

Someone on IRC tonight: “Any smooth guys out there with a web cam that would like to chat?”

My response: “I have a web cam, but it’s feeling kind of depressed. I don’t think it feels like talking right now.”