Big Fat Hairy Living

Claude posts a link to “Bear Movement Considered Harmful”, and many comments ensue. Claude gets it:

We breathe in homophobia from the time we’re born. Sometimes, it’s present without us even knowing it’s there, and it comes out in certain ways.

Not everyone confused what I believe with what I said that society told us to believe.

Mjollnir both agrees and disagrees with “Bear Movement Considered Harmful”:

But I disagree — strongly — that masculinity is entirely related to heterosexuality. Masculinity is part biology and part culture concept.

Mjollnir misunderstands what I was getting at when I said that “if you suck dick, you’re not [masculine], and never will be.” What I didn’t directly state but which was implicit was that heterosexuality is required but not sufficient in and of itself for someone to be considered “masculine” by mainstream society. Mjollnir also writes about effeminate straight men who are so campy that nobody could consider them masculine. That’s the perfect example — ask them how often mistaken for being gay.

Similarly, it’s society’s heterosexist and homophobic notions about homosexuality and gender that allow any gay man who acts “masculine” enough to pass as straight, while “effeminate” men are almost always assumed to be gay, regardless of whether or not they actually are.

Mjollnir also writes:

Feminine men bug me, not because they’re camping it up, but because they’ve changed the way they’re acting and talking in order to identify more closely with being gay.

So effeminate behaviour means that one identifies “more closely with being gay.” That’s exactly what society drills into us from a young age: being gay is the same as being effeminate. Real men are masculine. Real men don’t suck dick.

Bruno_bt writes in response to my earlier post entitled “Bear Movement Considered Harmful”:

Finally, about not finding effeminate men appealing: I think it is insulting to suggest that those who don’t find femme appealing are dealing with internalized homophobia — in fact, I would dare to suggest the opposite.

I think Bruno_bt misses the main point that I was trying to make. There’s a difference between finding certain physical characteristics attractive — big hands, a deep voice, and a hairy chest, for example — and being frightened or disturbed by “effeminate” behaviour. For example, someone once told me that he actually feels like running out of the room when someone effeminate starts talking to him. That’s not a preference, that’s a phobia.

Beards, bellies, trucker hats, plaid shirts, and all the other things that bears wear are surface deep, superficial signifiers of masculinity that do nothing more than hide the fact that any gay man can never really be masculine, because the number one rule of masculinity is that you don’t have sex with other men.

Heterosexual homophobes don’t distinguish between “butch” and “femme” gays; to them, we’re all evil. To society at large, “heterosexual” is a necessary requirement to be considered “masculine;” if you’re a man who likes dick, you’re a faggot. Period.

I went out to a West Indian restaurant (”Serving West Indian, Canadian, and Chinese food,” the sign declared) with a friend last night. Because I wasn’t feeling adventurous, I decided to order a cheeseburger.

Me: I’ll have a cheeseburger and onion rings.
Waitress: Oh, we don’t have that. People don’t order that very much, so we don’t have anything from the grill. But the chef can make something Chinese or you can have ox tail soup, brown chicken stew, or one of these others. (She points to the West Indian part of the menu)
Me: Uh…. OK. I’ll have the sweet and sour chicken with beef fried rice.
Waitress: Are you sure you can eat all that? That would be a lot.
Me: Oh. Are the portions really big?
Waitress: (Pointing to the West Indian part of the menu) You can have one of these. Have you ever had ox tail soup?
Me: Uh… OK. Um, I guess I’ll have the brown chicken stew. With rice and peas.
Waitress: (Taking away the menu) Thank you!

In other words, more than two thirds of the menu wasn’t actually available. The menu which supposedly exists to show me what I can order, didn’t actually show me what I could order. What’s more, the brown chicken stew wasn’t a stew, and the peas were beans, not peas.

As much as identifying as a “bear” was good for my self-esteem when I was younger and much more foolish, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve outgrown the whole “bear movement.” It’s like a security blanket; it helps you for a while, but at a certain point it starts hindering you. It’s only once you finally get up the courage to get rid of it that you realize what it’s really like. It’s because I’ve outgrown it and taken what I need from it that I’ve been able to see how silly it has become, or perhaps really was all along.

You see, the “bear movement” isn’t about being big and fat and hairy — if that were the case, there would be no such thing as a “muscle bear.” It’s about putting on a show, wearing plaid shirts and trucker caps, acting butch, and pretending that you’re “just a normal guy.” It’s about using one’s beard and flab — but not too much flab, that would be gross — to buy into society’s bullshit notions of masculinity. “You see, I’m just like a normal guy, not a prancing twinky. I don’t pay too much attention to my appearance. I just look the way I look.”

As much as I like the physical characteristics of guys who identify as bears, I can’t get past the internalized homophobia that all too often seems to come with the territory. Is it impossible to be fat and bearded without buying into society’s views about gender and sexuality? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard guys in bars or in chat rooms talk about how they don’t like effeminate men. I’ve seen more than just a few people explain that effeminate men make them “uncomfortable.” “I can’t stand effeminate men” they say, while their boyfriend shows off the wonderful tulips and daffodils he’s been planting — made butch by the fact that he’s wearing a plaid shirt while he does so. No internalized homophobia at work here, no, none at all – just move along now!

Please. Stop trying to hold onto your masculinity, masculinity that’s surface deep. Real masculinity, masculiinity the way society defines it, is all about fucking women and hating fags. The “bear movement” is about buying into a whole load of bullshit in an attempt to convince yourself that you’re just as masculine as a straight guy. Well, if you suck dick, you’re not, and never will be.

The hypermasculine show that goes on in bear bars shows how too many gay men have internalized society’s homophobic, heterosexist notions of which sexual and gender roles are the “proper” ones. Society teaches us that that men should be interested in cars, should hide their emotions, should be agressive and dominant, and that women should be interested in flowers, be emotionally expressive, and be passive and submissive. Society teaches us that men should be the ones fucking and women should be the ones getting fucked.

These guys are terrified by effeminate behaviour because it reminds them that their pretence of being “just a normal guy” is just that — a pretence. They’re not “just a normal guy” because in society’s view, “normal guys” don’t have sex with other guys. That’s something women do, not men. That’s probably why so many bear porn stories prefix “man-” on every other word: as if having a “hot man-rod up your wet man-hole” is somehow sounds more masculine than having “a dick up your ass.”

Homosexuality is subversive because it totally destroys notions of what is masculine and what is feminine. Society links effeminate behaviour and homosexuality because both are, at their core, viewed by society as the same thing – as men behaving like women, either by doing stereotypically effeminate things like sashaying and camping it up or by having sex with men. If you’re a man and you have sex with men, you’re just a big faggot, whether you arrange flowers or drive a truck (or pretend to on weekends.)

I’ve worn plaid and since I was a kid. I have a hammer drill. I like flowers. I bake cupcakes. I like small animals.

So there.

I went to Greg’s birthday party last night. Not all of my friends were there, but I had a fun time. I don’t know why, exactly, but it reminded me how lucky I am to have all the great friends I have, both here in Toronto and in other places too.

The video clip of the “Queer Militia” that’s been floating around the net is priceless. It shows a bunch of queer protesters disrupting a “christian Dinner” (I’m not sure what that is, but it figures that it would be in Calgary) and it’s hilarious. The christians join hands and pray to jeebus while the protesters chant slogans.

I’ve got news for you. YOUR STUPID GOD DOESN’T EXIST. YOU CAN STOP PRAYING TO HIM NOW.

When I’m leaving my apartment building in the morning or returning at night, often people will hold open the door me if I’m only a few steps behind them. I do the same thing for them if they’re behind me.

For some reason, though, when I hold open the door for someone else, they never seem to be able to say “thank you” in a clear, audible voice. All I ever hear from them is “…ksss” or “…kyoo.” It’s like “thank you” is a bad word and they don’t want to be heard saying it. Instead they whisper it under their breath and all that comes out is “…ksss,” or “…kyoo” if they’re trying to say “thank you.”

I should replace “thanks” with “…ksss” in normal conversation, except at normal volume, and use it just like a real word.

Coworker: Here’s that information you were asking for.
Me: …ksss!
Coworker: Pardon me?
Me: …ks! I just wanted to …kyoo for giving me the information I needed. …ksss!

Bear Cookin’ (Link via Cosmic Goober) is a perfect example of how awful, corny, and tacky this whole bear thing (I hesitate to use the words “bear movement”) has become. It’s absurd enough that anyone would want to make a cookbook aimed solely at bears — as if bears somehow need a cookbook aimed at them — but, judging from the sample recipe, the recipes aren’t even any good.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy trashy food as much as the next person, and I’m not a gourmet snob by any means, but that recipe is just plain nasty, and Velveeta and Cool Whip taste gross. Why do bear recipes have to be white trash recipes?

Then there’s the title — “Bear Cookin’” — and the titles of the chapters: “Woofy Breakfast” and “Lip Smackin’ Snackin’.” I think the authors are trying to sound all blue collar and “real.” Unfortunately, as with most bears, they’re just pretending to be blue collar; one author is a magazine editor and the other is a “trend consultant.” Besides, I have friends who actually have real blue collar jobs, and they speak and write English perfectly well.

For a final groan, read the quotes by reviewers; particularly cringe-worthy is one by Scott McGillivray, editor of Bear 100% Beef Magazine:

Here’s a cookbook — written in our language — that you’ll actually use, as opposed to that pretty stack of ‘em sittin’ on your kitchen counter. Simple un-fussy layout, well-organized, with lotsa familiar (”Oh, yeah…I love that stuff! So, that’s how you make it!”) recipes.

That pretty stack of ‘em sittin’ on your kitchen counter. Say that out loud: stack of ‘em sittin’. When you say it, listen to yourself as you speak it and realize how absurd it sounds to say, much less write down.

What is it with bears? Why this big act? Why does being big fat and hairy have to mean that you need to talk like a high-school drop-out, eat Velveeta and Cool Whip and avoid anything that looks pretty or beautiful?

This anti-aesthetic, anti-intellectual bear bullshit is just so tiring.