Big Fat Hairy Living

I went to the Toolbox on Saturday night.

Despite the fact that I ended the night going upstairs with a handsome man, I still went home feeling profoundly ugly. Perhaps it was the increasing feeling of despair I felt as the night wore on, watching beautiful people with perfect facial hair, big dicks, and perfectly sized bellies suck each other off in the patio maze while I stood by and watched. Being ignored is even worse than being called ugly. Anyone who says that beardom is about acceptance is stupid, or lying, or both. Human nature is human nature, and it’s the same shit all over again.

The evening did give me a bit of insight. I can understand exactly why so many people fall into the trap of excessive promiscuity; it’s an easy way to make one feel better about oneself. Having sex with someone is like validation, a stamp of approval saying that yes, you are attractive. And when lots of horny guys are walking around, it’s easy to lower one’s standards bit by bit looking for that validation. It’s like self-medication for depression, endorphines via behaviour rather than by pills. Feeling blue? Turn to sex to quick and easy validation. Or food. Or shopping.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think to myself, “I’m cute. I look good.” Other times I look in the mirror and want to find a bell tower somewhere to hide in. I don’t know why.

I feel so ashamed. I feel so ugly. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole.

At lunch, the 29 year-old virgin who has never lived with anyone other than his parents was telling everyone about his search for a home for him and his virginal bride-to-be to move into once they get married. Because he has no taste, he’s of course looking for houses in faraway suburbs, places like some new development at the intersection of Leslie and Elgin Mills, which for those of you not familiar with the Greater Toronto Area is in the middle of nowhere. When someone suggested a housing development at Jane and Major Mackenzie, slightly closer to Toronto but to the west, he pooh-poohed the idea, saying it was too far west. That’s when I interjected. “I can’t believe you’re having this conversation. You’re insane. All these places are in the middle of nowhere, it’s just a matter of degree. It’s like saying that it’s infinity plus one kilometres away instead of infinity.” He sniffed and replied disdainfully that I just didn’t understand because I live downtown.

Which got him going about how long his commute would be. He figured that a commute from Leslie and Elgin Mills to the office would take about an hour or so, depending on traffic. He calculated that he could get up at 5:45, leave the house at around 6:30 and get into work for 7:30 or so. This would enable him to put in eight hours and leave work at around 4:00, beating the brunt of the afternoon rush home to heteroburbia. When I suggested that he consider taking the commuter train, he told me that there was no way he’d do that. “If I do that, then I’m on their schedule!”

Today at work, the Sri Lankan female engineer told me that I’m much less negative than I was two years ago and that I’m much more mellow. I think that’s mostly true, though I still do have my moments. Just looking at some of my older posts makes me shiver.

Big Fat Hairy Living is now located in its new home at thickslab.com/blog (Thanks to John B. for the domain name inspiration.) Links to the old site will still work for at least a while, but all new updates will take place here, on the new site with the spiffy new design.

E-mail subscribers won’t have to do anything to keep receiving postings, and Blogger claims to have fixed the problems I’d been having with posts being e-mailed twice.

Enjoy!

What I did today:

• 9:30 - Voice lesson
• 12:30 - Shop at Caban on Queen West
• 3:00 - Late lunch at Tiger Lily’s
• 4:30 - Visit Radiocity townhouse sales centre on Church Street
• 5:00 - Latte at Timothy’s
• 9:30 - Birthday party for Andrew
• 12:00 - Go to the Toolbox
• 12:15 - Give hand job to a big uncut Daddy bear
• 2:05 - Leave toolbox to catch Queen car home
• 2:07 - Run into Daddy bear at streetcar stop at Queen and Logan
• 2:10 - Jerk off on Queen car across the aisle from Daddy bear
• 2:15 - Ejaculate
• 2:25 - Watch porky, goateed, drunk young Italian guy pull down his pants at Queen and Yonge, revealing his fat, tighty-whitey encased ass
• 2:40 - Arrive home

Tomorrow’s to do list:

• Pot snapdragons and marigolds
• Pick up unsalted butter for cornbread and cumin for beef chili to be served at dinner party
• Clean bathroom
• Check out apartment sale in #1509
• Take Mark’s fist up my ass
• Have a few friends over for casual dinner

I feel like Martha Stewart! Except for the streetcar ejaculating and the fisting. But other than that, I’m pretty darn close.

Today’s re-run, from January of 2003: Rent.

I’ll be making some changes that will be coming in the next week or so. Until then, I’ll do what television does when nothing new is happening: provide you with re-runs and hope it keeps you entertained.

Today’s re-run, from September of 2003: Curious Thoughts.

Globe and Mail: “…an influential city council advisory board has endorsed a plan to turn the hockey shrine into a massive grocery store … the Gardens interior will feature 150,000 square feet of retail space. Loblaw is currently negotiating to rent some of that space to the LCBO. The 73-year-old building’s roof — complete with the Maple Leaf logo — and exterior will be largely preserved and restored, including several windows that were blocked in … There are also plans to install some type of historical presentation.” (A tiny bit more information is available from the Toronto Preservation Board.)

Former Toronto Mayor John Sewell, head of a group calling itself Friends of Maple Leaf Gardens, has asked the Toronto Preservation Board to reject the proposal because it doesn’t “respect” the fact that the building used to be used as a hockey arena. Does he even care about the people who live in the area? Because keeping the building as a minor-league hockey arena is disrepectful of the neighbourhood.

The Loblaws plan would add a large grocery store and other retail tenants to the neighbourhood, and would add storefronts along Church Street and Carlton Street, greatly enhancing the streetscape. The fact is that the neighbourhood — my neighbourhood, and not the neighbourhood of any of the people who are protesting this plan — needs a grocery store and retail complex much more than it needs a gigantic brick block that would stay empty and unused most of the time.

It’s ironic that Friends of Maple Leaf Gardens should point to the Distillery District as an example of the way preservation should be done. Shouldn’t they be complaining that the Distillery District’s new use as a complex of art galleries, cafes, and retail stores doesn’t “respect” its former use as an alcohol distillery?