Big Fat Hairy Living

In advance of Martha’s release at the end of the week, Newsweek Magazine has an article on Martha’s comeback:

Martha? Humble? Around the prison yard, they marvel at how she’s become one of them. There’s nary a whiff of Hamptons snobbery when someone sits at her lunch table. “When my friend, an older lady, sat down with her, they talked about microwave cooking,” says Chrisa Gonzalez, a former Alderson inmate who keeps in contact with women there. “My friend said she was very humble, very caring and very kind.” Stewart helped one woman who had been disowned by her family by writing a letter to the woman’s sister. Stewart wrote movingly of the isolation of prison life and implored the woman to reach out to her incarcerated sister. The letter worked and the family reunited, according to Stewart’s friends. In return for her loyalty, the inmates try to help Stewart protect her privacy. Whenever the paparazzi hover near the grounds, inmates crowd around Stewart to block their cameras.

She’s handled this whole situation with class. I admire her.

I wish there’d been a Teen Bear magazine when I was in high school. The poorly-written articles would have taught me how to grow chest hair faster and how to be a perfect daddy’s boy. I could have evaluated my cocksucking skills with clever multiple choice quizzes! A magazine like that would have been much better than what I had to live with — the “before” pictures in Muscle & Fitness and shoplifted Playgirls from the convenience store. Looking back on it, I can’t believe I had to live on a porn diet of twinky straight guys with awful hair frying eggs in the nude. I never really did understand the need for the stupid poses. Do straight women find nude cooking sexy?

Now Teen Bear magazine exists, at least as a graphic design project. Blogger and graphic designer Tony Rizzuto has mocked up covers for three issues of the fictitious Teen Bear magazine. So far he’s created January, February, and March issues. Check out the two-page spread in March’s issue and the interview with February’s cover model.

He plans on coming out with Teen Bear T-shirts this summer. Am I too old to wear a T-shirt for Teen Bear magazine?

I have a love-hate relationship with No Frills. It’s tacky, has poor service, is always crowded with idiots, and doesn’t have many basic items (No chili pepper flakes? What kind of grocery store is that?) But their prices are so cheap. I could shop at Dominion, but the prices are too high.

There always is at least a little bit of eye candy, which makes up for the generally shitty experience. Today there was a hot bear I’ve seen around Church Street. During the summer he cycles up and down Church Street in a suitably sweaty white T-shirt and tight jeans. Apparently he gets dates by showing his dick to people on the street. Supposedly his dick is very nice and his flashing actually does result in dates.

I ran into him in the meat section. I tried to be suggestive with the Italian sausages, but he wasn’t looking, and I didn’t get to see his dick. I’ll just have to keep undressing him with my eyes.

Am I the only one who was bored by the Fred Durst sex video? His dick is decent enough, but all he does is fuck some chick’s pussy for a few minutes. He doesn’t even ejaculate anywhere (though we do learn that he likes having his balls and his ass touched) and the chick he’s fucking makes those stupid moaning sounds (do women really make those awful moaning sounds during sex?)

That second chick gives the most inept blowjobs I’ve ever seen. What the fuck is up with this licking the head shit? Do women really suck dick like this? If so, it’s no wonder there are so many “straight” men who go to public washrooms to get their dicks sucked.

The Toronto Star has a scary column today by Thomas Walkom that talks about lists of people who are flagged in databases as not being allowed to fly:

Information on flagged passengers may be passed on to domestic or foreign security services. As one Air Canada employee explained, ticket agents are not permitted to inform flagged passengers that they are on a list. In fact, they are supposed to deny its existence. “At no time can passengers be told that their names are found on a watch list,” reads one directive provided to ticket agents. However, the directive goes on, anyone flagged is to be denied a boarding card or a baggage ticket until the agent receives the go-ahead from security. Air Canada agents say the U.S. Homeland Security list appears to be the most extensive. Canadian legislation passed in the aftermath of 9/11 requires airlines to give Homeland Security detailed information on any passenger travelling to the U.S. What is not as well known is that the U.S. watch list of so-called DHP passengers is automatically applied to anyone in Canada flying anywhere. If a Homeland Security flag — what Air Canada employees call a DHP edit — pops up on a U.S.-bound passenger, he must be vetted by security before being allowed to board … Other names on airline manifests may be flagged by the RCMP or CSIS. When these passengers show up, Air Canada agents — operating under the direction of their corporate security office — are supposed to do whatever the intelligence organs wish … So is [Canadian-born architect Shahid Mamood, who was told by Air Canada he couldn't buy a ticket] on a CSIS or U.S. watch list? Though no one will tell him outright, the answer seems to be yes. And since, officially, watch lists don’t exist in Canada, he has nowhere to complain.

There’s even more scary stuff in the article; apparently a Canadian woman found out that her confidential tax information was in a US file.

Why is our government in bed with the American Imperial Ministry of Fatherland Security?

Fab magazine is trash and Paul Bellini, who stopped being funny some time around 1993, is the trashiest of all their trash. Tired of seeing issue after issue with his inane ramblings and the inevitable letters to the editor that result, I’ve decided to start documenting the atrocities. This is the first installment of an irregular series: the Bellini Files.

In this issue:

• Porn star Gus Mattox writes to dispute a quote that Bellini fabricated claiming that contract talks between him and his porn production company “broke off.” In fact, he says, both him and the company decided to amicably part ways and that “any other characterization of the events is misleading and inaccurate.” Way to make up shit, Bellini!
• In his “Troll” column, Bellini awards the “Best Place to Get Drunk” award to Sneakers, a hustler bar, stating that the boys there are “much more outgoing and chatty than your average insecure gay man.” I’ll leave it to readers to come to their own conclusions as to the social skills of someone who needs cash to get men to chat with him.
• Also in his “Troll” column, he awards the best facial hair award to someone with three days’ worth of stubble. I have no quarrel with the recipient of the award, but the insanity of awarding the best facial hair award to someone who almost doesn’t have any should be obvious. Who will win the facial hair award next year, someone’s Italian grandma?

See all posts in the Bellini Files.

I just saw the Chief Financial Officer’s dick while I was pissing next to him. He’s fat, bald, goateed, and has cool-looking art-fag glasses. He’s also Italian. His dick is brown, short, fat, and uncut.

I have now seen execucock.

The pope says same-sex marriage is evil, according to CBC News:

Pope John Paul II has released a new controversial book where he suggests same-sex marriage is part of an "ideology of evil" and draws an analogy between abortion and the Holocaust … In one section, he addresses the issue of gay marriage and the pressures on European governments to legalize such unions. "It is legitimate and necessary to ask oneself if this is not perhaps part of a new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man," he writes.

If there’s an authority on evil in this world, it certainly would be the Catholic church.

Some people who hate the Catholic church want the pope to just go ahead and die already. I don’t. I want him to stay alive and suffering for a very, very long time.

A week ago, Brodie wrote about a Flash Fiction show that he and I went to which starred Jonathan Cohen, author of Bear Like Me, as the featured published author. The idea behind flash fiction is to take a single word and spend a fixed amount of time, typically 20 or 30 minutes, writing a short story based around that word. Some of the resulting stories are not very good, but some come out really well. The flash fiction shows showcase flash fiction read by local comedians and actors, and end with a segment where the volunteers write their own flash fiction during the intermission and then read it in front of the audience.

Jonathan Cohen, author of Bear Like Me, the first bear novel, has now started a flash fiction blog entitled Bittersweet Chocolate. He has already posted two stories.