Big Fat Hairy Living

Hey, look! Torontoist now has competition that just might end its unbroken streak as shittiest Toronto blog: Posted Toronto.

I think there’s something defective with my ability to read people and figure out their intentions.

Last month, I met a hot guy and ended up having sex with him twice. The second time, he wanted me to stay after the sex so that we could hang out and snack. We did, and both times I left with the impression that both of us had had a fun time.

For the past three weeks, though, he hasn’t called me. I sent him a text message, a voice mail, and a message online asking if he wanted to get together, but he never replied. I saw him on Facebook and friended him, but he didn’t reply when I asked him how he was doing. I finally sent him a message on Facebook telling him that it was OK if he didn’t want to get together again, but could he just tell me? No reply.

Is it something I’m doing? How bad could the sex have been if he invited me back for a second time? Did I do something horribly offensive? I wish I knew.

Wenge being a type of African wood often used in furniture.

I finally caved and joined Facebook like pretty much everyone else in the city.

I started looking up people from my high school and was disappointed, but not surprised, to see what had happened to most of them. The guy I’d thought was my best friend is doing some kind Faculty of Medicine thing at U of T. The hairy Italian rugby player who fucked my ass when I was 16 is now married with kids. Pretty much all of them are married with children, even the Student Council treasurer who rumour had it had come out as gay after he’d graduated. I also found some of the people I used to work with at my last job. They’re still ugly. There are some hot guys on there, though.

How could I have missed this one? This week’s Fab Guy is another hot one: Scott, a hot, hairy, chunky little guy in a tight white wrestling singlet.

Reliable sources tell me that the sizeable bulge in his singlet is not in any way enhanced.

With children starving in Africa, I decided to go furniture hunting Saturday with some fat, hairy friends. My existing furniture, while still completely functional, is from a different era of my décor life and no longer suits my heightened sense of style.

Unfortunately, not only is finding the perfect coffee table difficult, so is getting service at snooty West Queen West decor shops. The typical response when me and my two fat, hairy friends walked into a stores in our construction boots, camo shorts, and ball caps, was total invisibility. The notable exception was one store that had a sign on the front door saying “No giant SUV-sized strollers allowed.” The woman in the store was a dolled-up late 40s hag type with a bob cut, a great sense of humour, and an amazing ottoman that folded out into a twin size bed. She didn’t seem to care that we weren’t emaciated metrosexuals.

Nothing was perfect, so I didn’t end up buyiing anything. That was OK, though. I didn’t really need to spend the money. Instead I ended up taking a nap while waiting for Mark to finish work. He came and woke me up with slobbery kisses. I like that.

Dave from Sherman Oaks, to whom I owe an eternal debt of gratitude for having introduced me to The Apple, has linked to the amazingness that is the Backstreet Bears.

On Sunday, Mark and I went to the islands to go boating with a friend. It rained, but we still had fun.

I have my performance review tomorrow. I’m worried about it, because I always worry about such things. They’re not going to fire me for incompetence, but I know my manager is annoyed with me. I’ll just think of Mark’s smile while I’m in the meeting. It always makes me happy to see Mark smile, but he doesn’t smile very much in photographs.

The Newfoundland Right to Life Association says that a Newfoundland government plan to vaccinate schoolgirls against the cancer-causing human papillomavirus will lead more young people to engage in risky sexual behaviour:

The provincial Department of Health and Community Services announced Tuesday that it would begin a three-year program in September to vaccinate 2,800 Grade 6 girls across the province.

…

Patrick Hanlon, president of the association in St. John’s, said he’s afraid the vaccination program is going to provide young people “a licence, a green light to go ahead and be sexually active … leading to a rise in sexually transmitted diseases and promiscuity in general.”

In related news, the Newfoundland Right to Life Association has also called for a ban on penicillin, as the availability of treatments for syphillis encourages teenaged girls to abandon all restraint and turn into filthy, diseased whores who deserve to die slow, lingering deaths. Calls to the Newfoundland Right to Life Association asking clarification as to its stance on AIDS-infected faggots who deserve God’s punishment went unreturned as of press time.